Short Stories
The Tale of Fred McFlutz
Once upon a TV dinner there was a man named Fred McFlutz. This guy was a real piece of work. He would snort his nephew’s Adderall during Christmas in the bathroom and tell everyone to come look at the giant dump he just took even though it was a runny little bird poo. Fred was a nice guy in his early years, but once his wife Tamisha Pudding divorced him he started to go downhill faster than Lindsey Vonn in the Olympics. I guess it makes sense considering he didn’t really have much going for him besides being a nice guy and being married to Tamisha Pudding. Nobody understood how he landed such a glorious piece of clam to begin with. They were one of those couples that would walk down the street and other men would look on and audibly wonder “why?” Everyone wanted a taste of that pudding and the guy who was getting it looked like a one-eyed sloth. “I wonder how much money that guy has…” the construction workers would say while their drool pooled on their chests. “I bet he’s got a nine-inch cock and a nine-figure bank account,” said Doug Douganstein, a four-toed construction worker from Calgary. Doug lost six of his toes in a boating accident. Every day Fred would walk by and the confusion only garnered further interest in the man. People would concoct wild stories about how Mr. McFlutz had the strongest tongue west of the Nile or how he was the real Most Interesting Man in the World. In reality, Fred was like most men: menial and bland. There wasn’t anything spectacular about him other than how damn hairy he was. Man does Fred McFlutz have a lot of hair. He never did anything particularly interesting in his life. He could have, but he was too afraid to transfer his dreams into actions. He had potential but he never believed it could be fulfilled. Plus, he thought he already reached the pinnacle of success simply by landing that sweet sweet Tamisha Pudding. Fred was treading water, and when all you’re doing is treading water you’re really just waiting to drown. He got bossed around by Tamisha because he was too afraid of losing her to develop any backbone or sense of individuality. He spent most of his life trying not to mess up, which is a surefire way to become a stinky piece of cheese. Fred didn’t have many values or opinions. He just kind of was, and a beautiful woman like Tamisha couldn’t respect a man who just kind of was, so one day she simply up and left. She wrote a nice long letter and left it on the table. It was about four pages long but it could have been boiled down to three words: you bore me. Having nothing to fall back on, Fred was shattered. His whole purpose had been stripped away from him because he let all meaning be held in the hands of another, which is a big time no-no in the game of life. He was like a box of random game pieces scattered across the floor: chess bishops, red Sorry pieces, a thimble from Monopoly, and a few Chinese Checkers. None of it meant anything at all. He could have picked a piece and moved towards its given game, but he chose to perceive it all as a lost cause, too far away from anything bound to be worth striving for. Fred’s been switching between lost pieces for years now, and he’s tried to break them all. He could take the prettiest part of each of them to create something new and go from there but he doesn’t have any sense of direction to begin such a task, so he takes it all out on others. He tells people everything that’s wrong with them and never gives a compliment. He’s about as fat as a walrus who ate a whale, he snarls at anything positive, and he wouldn’t have anywhere to go if his mother wasn’t enabling him. Anyways, nobody really knows how to get across to the guy. I guess it’s a lesson in momentum. If things are going okay or even well, it’s probably a good idea to keep the wheels rolling. Fred never pushed the limits on anything. He always took the easy way out and it worked for a while. But now he’s calling in the kids to look at his pathetic little bird poops, and “that’s just Fred,” they say.
Richard
I got up in the morning and I made her pancakes. She woke up and told me they looked like they would taste good but that she had to go. The next morning, I said hello to Natalie at the café. I always wanted to say hello no Natalie at the café. I usually just order a green tea, but I said hello this time. She smiled. The next day, I asked her if she wanted to get coffee sometime. She looked at me funny. I told her I thought she liked coffee. I went to the bookstore to look at the children’s books. I like the drawings, especially the dragons. I met a woman there. She asked me why I was looking at the children’s books. I told her it was because I like to look at the children’s books. I like the drawings, especially the dragons. She laughed. I asked her if she would like to get coffee sometime. She said yes. She told me her name was Patricia and that she fell in love once. She said he looked a lot like me. She started crying. I told her that I had blueberries in the fridge and it would be okay. I made her blueberry pancakes. She ate the pancakes and told me she had a nice time. I never heard from her again. I thought that was odd. The next weekend I decided to visit the large man’s place. I like his place because there are a lot of women laughing. I asked one of the women why she was laughing but she looked at me funny and stopped laughing. I asked her why she stopped laughing. Then I was talking to a man. He was really close to my face. I told him I don’t like men. He said I better watch it. He pushed me in my chest. The large man took him away. Later that night, I met a girl named Cameron. I told her that Cameron is a man’s name. She laughed. She asked me if I was going to buy her a drink. I said okay. She told me I wasn’t like the rest of the guys. I said that was okay. I told her I thought she was a lot like the other girls but I liked her that way. She told me I was interesting. Cameron asked me a lot of questions. She asked me what I like to do for fun. I told her that I like to go to the bookstore and look at the children’s books. She asked me if I had any children. I said no. We took a car home and she asked me more questions. I told her I didn’t want to answer any more questions. She said that I should make her shut up. I don’t know why she said that. The next morning, I asked her what kind of pancakes she wanted for breakfast. She said that she should just leave and we probably shouldn’t talk again. I asked her why. She said she was married. I asked her why. She said she didn’t know. I decided not to make pancakes anymore. The next day I walked to the bookstore. I read a book about berries because I like berries and it had a lot of pictures. It said that people can see in color because of berries. I thought that was cool. I met a woman at the bookstore. She asked me why I was looking at the children’s books. I told her it was because I like to look at the children’s books. I like the drawings, especially the dragons. She laughed. I asked her if she would like to get coffee sometime. She said yes. She told me her name was Alice and that she was one of ten children. I said that sounds nice. She made a face at me like the children do when they bite a lemon. She was a very beautiful woman, like the ones in the magazines. Sometimes I look at the magazines. They have nice pictures. I told Alice she looked like the girls in the magazines. She said she didn’t want to look like the girls in the magazines. I asked her why. She said those girls were damaging younger girls. I asked her why. She said it didn’t matter why, but how. I asked her how. She said young girls focus too much on appearance because of the girls in the magazines. I said I thought that was interesting. I asked her if she wanted to get coffee sometime. She said yes. The next morning, I told her that I wasn’t going to make her pancakes. She said she was disappointed because she likes pancakes. I told her that nobody likes my pancakes. They never come back for seconds. She said that she would come back for seconds if I made them for her, even if they were bad. I told her they won’t be bad. I made her chocolate chip pancakes with berries on the side. I told her that I’ve been waiting to make chocolate chip pancakes with berries on the side for someone special. She asked me why I thought she was special. I said it was because she looked like the girls in the magazines. She said she didn’t want to look like the girls in the magazines. She left and wrote down her phone number on a white napkin. I called her right away to tell her that she is special, but another lady answered the phone and said that this number is not valid. I told her I wanted to talk to Alice. I tried calling Alice again but the same lady answered the phone. I thought about Alice a lot. I stayed in bed for a couple of days and only thought about Alice. My friend Eric called me and asked me where I was. I told him I was at home thinking about Alice. He asked me if Alice broke my heart. I said I think so. He asked me if I love Alice. I said I think so. He told me that he understood but needed my help tomorrow. He said work would take my mind off Alice. I didn’t believe him. The next day, I saw a woman walking a dog. It was a big dog and I like big dogs. I asked her if I could pet the dog. She sad that would be okay. She said the dog seemed to really like me. I said okay. I almost missed the bus. I was there early but I was thinking about Alice. When I got on the bus, there weren’t any seats left besides one next to a boy. He said it would be okay if I sat next to him. I said okay. He asked me why I looked so sad. I told him I was in love with a girl named Alice. He said he was sure there would be another Alice. He asked me if I liked car magazines and I told him that I did but my favorite magazines had pictures of girls or dragons. He said he liked dragons but thought girls were gross. I asked him why he thought girls were gross. He said they have cooties. I asked him what cooties are. He told me that we can’t see them but girls have them and they’re gross. He said that Alice probably has cooties. I didn’t feel so bad about Alice anymore. They boy asked me if I liked green dragons or red dragons better. I told him that green are my favorite. He agreed. I asked him if girl dragons had cooties. He said there are no girl dragons. I said if there are no girl dragons then how do they make more dragons. He asked why there would need to be girl dragons to make more dragons. I told him that it takes a girl dragon and a boy dragon to make new dragons the same way people make new people. He asked me if that was why I was in love with Alice. I said I think so.